If GOD appeared before me...

I woke up when everyone slept. I had the wildest dream ever and was perspirating. I was yelling aloud, but I hardly could hear my own voice. My small trembling hands touched my Mom's hand, and she opened her eyes. I think I was 3 and 1/2 years old or may be even 4. I said "Mom, I am afraid!". Startled, she looked at me trying to understand my low and incoherent words. Instead of spanking me which she did ever since I grew up, she kissed my forehead and asked me "What happened dear?". I re-collected the story, she told me, about the eerie Rag-Picker (boochi) who came with a big bag to abduct me if I didn't eat my dinner. I added, "I could see him right beside me near the bed". My mom smiled at me and said, "dont worry, do you see the pciture of GOD there on the wall? He will be watching all the time. Pray to him and he will kick the boochi out of the house". My heartbeat almost stopped. Till then I was thinking it was only the rag-picker who was watching. I obeyed her instantly and joined my hands together and bowed my head without even trying to uderstand what it meant. I was taught to do this probably right since my birth. This is my first encounter with this person....."GOD".

I never tried to understand what kind of a person he was. Is he there to protect or instil fear or punish or to kill? He was never with me. Everyone even among my friends in school used to say, "Dont ever tell a LIE, God will punish you". It was hard on me to remember so many names Krishna, Allah, Jesus, Rama, Guru nanak (yes I believed he was god too) etc. I thought why are they so many to watch me when I tried to steal a cookie from the kitchen or buy an ice-cream.

It was the time of my first standard exams. My Dad asked me to pray to GOD and I would perform well in exams. I recited all that I could and set off to school. To my amusement the results came and I topped. For the first time, I could feel the power of GOD. From then I inculcated this new habit of praying before my exams. In my Sixth standard we all went to tirupathi. After we reached there I was told by my sis, who was taunting at me, that I would be tonsured soon. My heart sank. I went to my mom and confirmed the news. I broke into tears and pleaded please dont shave my hair. She told me seriously "Your Dad has decided to offer your hair to GOD. If we dont obey GOD, he will punish you". I felt who the heck is this person is GOD, Who takes money, animals, coconuts and unfortunatey hair too. Tears rolled my eyes thinking of all my friends and girls in my class, who would be calling me names. But I could'nt express my anguish. Not that I couldn't, if I would, GOD will punish me.

It was my 8th standard exams and I haven't studied anything for the finals. But I followed my Dad's advice and prayed to god and set off to school. Amazingly, I FAILED. This was the time I first questioned myself. Does GOD really exist. Right since my childhood, I've heard a lot about this virtual person among us from various sources. But the truth is I have mis-interpreted the name of that virtual person. It is not GOD, it is BELIEF. The reason behind my good grade in my earlier classes was effort and the reason for failure is lack of effort. I felt as if I was enlightened. But the belief that grew in me didn't die so soon. Though I was trying to be agnostic, I couldn't as the fear inside me dominated. I feared for the aftermath of ignoring GOD. Of course I was studying well from later on as I now understood whats the driving force and secret of success. I did pretty well in my acads. This slightly boosted my confidence level to become OVER-CONFIDENCE.

As a result, I didn't perform well in my IIT entrance as well as EAMCET. Also I was down with typhoid for over a month right before exams. Me questioning the existence of GOD being the reason for all this seemed stupid to me. I covered up saying to myself that my ill-health being the reason for all this. That seemed like a good reason to many. But thats just an excuse. So I dropped the plan of me being an atheist completely. But still questioned his existence to myself on many occasions. But still continued to pray to him only before my exams and before my results. I won many things in my life and I continued to loose many things too. Still I sway with my idea of being an atheist. But seriously, I would like to be strong minded.

I came to USA, the land of oppurtunities. Land of Uncle Sam. It is ruled by just two things "DOLLAR KING AND THE SEX QUEEN". But this country has stolen my confidence. All I do in my life is think of my scintillating past. I dont have my friends or my family here. All the loved ones are away from me. God is still watching. God is watching all of us. God is watching everyone in this world....Sielently, Stagnant, Stinking

If God Appeared before me now......